I haven't updated in forever. I'm just way too busy with school work and actual work. So send me requests for topics. What questions do you have about being a server or the service industry? Send them in, and I'll answer.

An Open Letter To Poor Tippers

Dear assholes who order two steak dinners and only tip $3,

That is not enough! That is barely even half of what is the absolute lowest considered acceptable. Your checks were $41 something and $35 a piece. In what universe do you live where being an asshole, bitching at the girl in charge, getting your way even though you shouldn't have, making me bend rules a bit, and then tipping me 7 or 8% is ok?
Please be advised that should I ever see your disgusting faces in my place of work again, I will not serve you. I will also let whoever the poor soul stuck with you rude, cheap bastards knows what jerks you really are so that they won't waste time being nice to you and giving you great service like I did. (And you're damn lucky that's all I would ever do. I would never spit in or mess with customer's food, but you sure make a good case for why someone might want to.)


No love at all, you cheap assholes,
M



Oh PS - I still made $90 that night, and my sales were just over $400. So that's 22, 23%. You didn't ruin my night at all. Don't take satisfication in teaching me some kind of lesson or whatever, cuz even with your ridiculously pathetic small tip I still made over $15 an hour in tips ... and it wasn't even a busy night really. So again, basically screw you.

Be Nice

Be nice to your server. Ok, I realize that's impossible for some people, so at the very least don't be mean. You don't know what s/he has to put up with at work. Allow me to offer up a picture of a not necessarily typical but not out of the ordinary weekend night at work.

So the night starts off like any other. Bitchy B, the evil bitch of a pain in my ass coworker, starts in on me. Making her stupid, snide, bitchy comments about every single thing I do. Whatever. After three years of dealing with this on a nightly basis, I'm used to this woman acting like a bratty, spoiled, immature child. I can deal with it. (And if you can believe it, I am capable of talking to her, even telling her back off, in such as a way as to not start problems. Imagine that, acting like a mature, grown adult and trying to get along and resolve any problems quickly and politely at work. Crazy, I know!)
Big Boss is on vacation. As with any workplace, when the boss is away employees will play. This means during this time, I'm living in fear of my purse being hijacked. I may go out after my shift is over to find my car moved (we used to have a server who was 6'4 or so … or about a good foot and a half taller than me. They once got him to move my car. I thought I was going to die seeing him try to get out of my car with the seat pulled up so close it's practically touching the steering wheel), that there's whipped cream in there, that my keys have been hidden, or any number of other "pranks" (my personal favorite? Individually saran-wrapping each and every one of B's pills – oh did I not mention B has a problem with that and gets in a really super shitty bitchy mood when she hasn't had her pills? – pills. It never gets old to them). Further more, Chef is now in charge. This means alternately slacking off and making my tables wait 15 minutes longer than they should for their food or getting on a high horse and trying to enforce all the rules that have gone by the wayside for the time Big Boss is away. It also means that there's nobody who can effectively call Stoner Chef on his bullshit. He's an arrogant asshole and doesn't even really listen to Big Boss, but forget it if someone else, even someone like Chef who's above him on the work totem pole, is a good employee and worker, and knows what she's talking about, is trying to say anything to him. This means that it takes him 20 minutes to get my desserts. He then goes off on me when I won't cut a piece of pie. First of all, you don't trust me in the kitchen. Hot shit and knives and me do not mix, for my own safety. Trust me. Second of all, it may not be hard to do, but I couldn't do it neatly and make the presentation look nice because I've never been shown how to do that. Why? IT'S NOT MY DAMN JOB. Which is my third point. Do I ask you to run food to my tables? Have the words "why can't you do it? Do you know how hard it is to run the pitcher of ice tea over to a table and refill their glasses?" or "it's not my job [said in regards to something that most definitely is the job of said person speaking and not in any way the job of the person they are speaking to]" come out of my mouth? No. Because I do my job. I expect the same of you, Stoner Chef. I don't know why, as time has shown I shouldn't.
As though the night isn't going well enough in the coworker department at this point, I am then kind of assaulted by Psycho D. It's a well known fact in the service industry that all dishwashers are crazy. However, D (who we rarely refer to by his name, it's always Crazy D) is a whole nother level. Bringing back a dish will result in us girls (at my work, the wait staff is all females, with only one exception) being called any and every name in the book. I don't care to repeat the foul things he says to or about us, but m-fing C is probably the most common epithet we get. Anyway, on this day as I have my tray and am setting glasses back on dishwasher rack, I am treated to being (lightly) smacked upside the head. "Don't hit me" I tell him firmly. He doesn't really have any response, except to say that he hopes I choke and die as I walk away. "D, I can hear you!" (The "you fucking asshole piece of shit" is added under my breath as I walk out of earshot). So great, in addition to being verbally assaulted by this fuckhead, I am now being physically assaulted as well. Just great. (This is also not the first, or worst, instance of being physically assaulted by him either. He once shoved the big, heavy door to the cooler into me as he walked past me. As he was coming from the side where he could see that I was there, I know it was done on purpose.)

This is all back of the house issues (Thankfully, on this night I didn't even have one asshole table. Everybody was wonderful and nice and patient during a crazy busy night … and they all tipped at least decently if not well. So that was good). They don't faze me too much (except the assault, which I should not have to put up with … yet I will because apparently there are no other crazy people or 16 year olds in town who could be hired to replace this jackass). I'm used to them. And like I said, I have this crazy idea about trying to get along with my coworkers and not start shit and trying to keep the work environment a good, friendly one. (I really shouldn't complain I guess. With the three exceptions listed above, Bitchy B, Stoner Chef, and Psycho D, I've never had a problem with anyone there. Nor do they have any problems with anyone else. Just those three create more than enough problems for the rest of us.) Every workplace has these people. There's always that one person who's miserable and makes it their mission to bring everybody else down and make them as miserable as they are. That person who acts like such a martyr, like they alone know the proper way to do everything around there and nobody else knows anything or ever does anything right, that they carry the weight of everybody else in the company. There's that person who thinks they're in charge, who acts like your boss when really you're on equal footing in the company. Who feels the need to police your every move, tell you how stupid you are for not doing it right, then go tattle on you. That person who goes on a total power trip, even if they are not given any kind of power. For me, these people are rolled into one with B. Then there's the person who's too cool for school, who thinks they're so much better than this. That they're like above the rules somehow or exempt from them. There's always one person who won't do their work, or tries to get you to do. This is Stoner Chef. It's a fact of any work place that you'll have to deal with people like that.
Well, it's not any different in a restaurant. Except that you have to brush that aside, plaster a big old smile on your face and act thrilled as hell to be there. You could argue you have to do similarly at any job that involves dealing with the public, and you do; however, in retail or customer service your pay isn't affected by how polite, happy, and nice you can be. If you're not overly smiley and friendly to a customer, it doesn't affect how much you make. When you're serving or bartending, it does. I'm sure you know how hard it is to pretend like you're not in a bad mood or act like you're not pissed off at a jerk customer or idiot coworker or something. Now just imagine if how much you make, and thus your livelihood, is affected by how well you can fake it. This is what it's like for a server. Remember the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." If you wouldn't want somebody being a jerk to you in that situation, don't you be one to someone else.

Bartending Secrets

After reading this article , here is my take. It's super annoying that you need to go to a new page for each one, so I'll just copy and paste here and then put my thoughts.


1. Yell, whistle, or wave money and I'm going to make you wait. Make eye contact and smile, and I'll come over as soon as I can. Know what you want and have your money ready. Don't create a traffic jam.
Agreed. If you can't be bothered to address me or get my attention in a polite manner, or at least one that isn't completely lacking in any respect or basic human dignity, I sure won't be bothered to get to your table any time soon. Yelling is just downright rude and disrespectful. I've mentioned whistling several times, and I imagine I will continue to do so because it pisses me off so much (your server/bartender is not a dog, goddamnit). I've never seen someone wave money but I imagine my eyes would get very strained from trying not to roll them a lot. How much of a douche and asshole can you be? And also agreed about knowing what you want. Nothing is more annoying than people who don't know what they want but won't ask for a few minutes. Look, unless it's time to close, nobody cares if you need more time. I fucking hate standing at my table for a few minutes while some asshole tries to decide. I have other stuff to do, just let me go while you try to choose. I also hate standing by the table waiting. It makes me feel like an asshole, like I'm up your ass or pressuring you or hovering … and nobody wants that. Seriously. Just say "can I have another minute please?"

2. Start a tab. If I swipe your card five times this evening, that’s five times as much paperwork I have to do at 4 a.m.
Agreed. Ok so there's really not any paperwork for me personally to do, but having to swipe a card so many times just is annoying. And why on earth would you want so many separate charges for the same place, the same night on your bill? Do all of us a favor, especially yourself, and put it all on one tab.

3. You want a drink made "strong?" Then order a double—for double the price.
There is nothing more to say about this. Your bartender can't give you something and not charge for it. You really shouldn't ask. If you need it that bad, order the double or just drink more. Although doubles aren't double the price.
(In the interest of full disclosure, there is one fine southern gentleman who's a very frequently regular. He's nice to us (he's kind of a friend actually), and he tips us fabulously (he once gave me a $5 tip on a $6 breakfast. He didn't have money to give me the tip that day, but like a week later when I saw him again he made up for it). For him, we make an exception provided the boss isn't around. So perhaps if you're a great tipper, always tip well, and get to be kinda friends with your bartender you just might be able to get it. Just be sure to ask nicely and in a way to make sure the bartender knows you're not pressuring her and that you won't be mad if s/he can't.)

4. Liquor sales in bars and restaurants were down 2.2 percent last year. Even beer sales are slow. But people scrimp on food first, drinks second.
Thankfully, we've been able to keep our sales up in this recession. Sure this summer is terrible so far, completely dead and awful and no money to be made. But I suppose when the food is incredible, the portions big (big enough for two meals even), the prices good for how much you get, and the service generally very good, people will make it a point to visit you when they go out. Hell, since I started working there, the county I work in started a 10% drink tax. I can't say that I noticed any decline in sales. People want to drink, so they will anyway I guess.

5. A lot of bars have comp tabs, which allows me to give away drinks. It's smart business and helps build a base of regulars.
If this is the case, why the hell is the only perk I've gotten from bars a cd courtesy of the dj? Please. I spent more than my share of time at a local watering hole, and never did I see someone get a free drink. I demand to see proof of this! *g*

6. Bars that don't have regulars (in hotels, airports) have started using wireless gadgets that measure how much is poured and automatically ring up each shot. They're meant to prevent overpouring and to cut losses, but I don't like them—neither do customers.
Is that like some kind of machine to automatically pour for you? I can get behind that then, less work for me. Hehe.

7. If your tipping guideline is still "a buck a drink," listen closely: That doesn't fly if you order a $12 cocktail. Tip at least 15 percent.
A buck a drink only works if you're drinking beer. Beer that is $6 or less a pop.

8. At some bars, the sliced fruit garnishes sit out until they’re gone, sometimes for days. Munch accordingly.
I hate to say, this is probably true. Any decent, conscientious bartender will pitch them when they've gone bad, so you're not going to get something old and rotting or moldy … but I wouldn't count on it being freshly cut.

9. The smoothest guys compliment a woman, then walk away—it's very nonthreatening.
I have to say, that does sound infinitely better than the creeps who always try to talk to me. But I have no experience being smooth nor a guy, so what do I know?

10. I have the police on speed dial, and I never hesitate to call.
Any sane bartender would agree with this. People get stupid, and often violent, when they're wasted. And no establishment is going to risk any potential lawsuits or damages.

11. Don't order a round of drinks after last call. Last call applies to everyone—even you.
The whole point of last call? For you to get your last drink so we can start doing our clean up and get the hell home. I don't give a shit who you are (or who you think you are), nor how much you want another. Once last call is done, it's done. Just don't even do it.

12. Some of us get a cut from the cab company when we call a taxi for a tipsy patron. Not that I've ever done that, of course.
This is not my experience. We close early, we aren't really a bar so there's nobody sitting there for hours getting drunk, and I'm not even sure there are any cab companies anywhere near me.

13. Last week, a couple had a little too much and got into a dumb argument, then asked me to choose the "winner" of the fight. There isn't a tip big enough to get me involved in that situation!
A million times yes. First of all, you shouldn't be arguing in a bar, in public, anyway. Save the personal shit like for a more appropriate time when you're alone together. Second of all, like I said before I don't know you or your situation, so why do you care what I think? Just don't do ask for an opinion.

I just want to say, sometimes it really effing sucks to be a waitress.

My coworker is getting her wisdom teeth pulled out. She has to work the following night. She told them they were coming out Friday (as in she is having it done this Friday, she told them about it a long time in advance), and they gave her shit about wanting the rest of the weekend off. Why? Because two other girls already asked it off. Um ... so what? Do with one less girl, have someone work a double, give someone an extra shift. You can find a way to make it work to give the poor little girl the weekend off after having her wisdom teeth removed. This is our slow time of year; I promise you we wouldn't miss her if she weren't there. I feel so bad for her.
Then one of our bussers wanted to call off last weekend. It was pretty dead, so really no big deal. She told them a week in advance, and she was completely honest and up front about why she wanted the night off, no just not showing up or lying and claiming to be sick. She spent the week trying to find a replacement (not her fault she couldn't. Our pool of bussers is really limited and the other one who works the most is not working at the moment). For a 15 year old at her very first job, I think she was very mature and responsible about the whole thing, and she certainly did what she could to follow their instructions (where I work, you are not allowed to call off. If you can't be there, it is up to you to find your replacement; they won't do it). We were dead and she would have been doing very little, taking money out of their pockets and ours (it sucks tipping out a busser when you don't make anything). Yet I think she's about to get fired for it. Never mind Stoner Chef-in-training who has completely missed his shift, or shown up hours late (check the name if you want to know why), more times than I can count still has his job. Nor that the new girl who has not shown up, with no word, a few times in her month at work and hasn't gotten fired (personally I think her weird, halitosised ass should be fired on principal for standing literally inches away from you. Like Jesus Christ, woman, haven't you ever heard of personal space?). And then there's B. (as in short for bitch), who terrorizes every employee there, runs roughshod all over us as much as she can, bullies everybody, is verbally abusive to us, throws petty hissy fits at every chance, acts like she's the boss (when she's not. She's not even any kind of manager or given any kind of semi-managerial perks) and is the only one who knows how to or ever does anything the correct way and talks shit about it constantly (totally forgetting that when the bosses aren't around she's the worst out of any of us, and is just generally so unpleasant and awful that our customers make fun of her and are relieved to see she isn't in. Did I mention that she is lazier than hell (in the 3 years I've been there, she has only vacuumed once – we're supposed to take turns doing the end of the shift chores. It doesn't happen with her) and that she recently asked a customer to try something to see if it was still good? I don't get why poor sweet Busgirl, who is a very good employee and hustles her little butt off, is about to be out of job when those other wastes of space and awful excuses for employees (and in B.'s case human beings) have job security.

Every other job can find a replacement or deal without a worker for the day. Why can't serving? Honestly, the way things are at work at the moment I seriously need a new job. We're getting close to the breaking point here.

Honestly, I'm pretty burned out on work at the moment. It's getting too stressful, on top of my already too stressful family life and school. I'm really not sure what to write about now.
So I want to know what you want to hear about (if anybody is even reading this). Comment or email me any questions you have or with a topic you want to hear about.

Thing That Tick Me Off To An Irrational Degree

Continuing in the vein of my last post, I guess I shall go on.
Sometimes there are small behaviors that my customers do that piss me off to an unreasonable degree. These are just me though. Not every server will be as pissed off about it as me.


- Stealing my pens. This is actually up there on my list of shit that pisses me off, only slightly behind bad tips and rudeness. I don't care if I purposely buy those packs of 10 pens for $1 because they get stolen so frequently, it's the principal of the thing. It belongs to me, not you. You have no freaking right to take it, so don't. End of discussion. Just leave my damn pen on the table with the check you signed.
- Ignoring the "PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED" sign. Hey dumbass, it's there for a reason.
- Idiots who sit at a dirty table. What, do you not see by the crumbs from the last person who sat there that we haven't wiped this table yet? Where I work, we have the tables set. So if the table isn't set, obviously it's not ready. Again, there's a reason we have that sign saying wait to be seated.
- People who are extremely picky about their table. A table is a table. I'll give you a pass if you don't want to sit too close to a door and get the cold air coming in (if it's winter). I don't care if you prefer a table or a booth and will gladly get you seated at your first choice if I can. But assholes who change tables 3 or 4 times (no that's not an exaggeration), or who pitch a fit if they can't sit downstairs (it's the same menu! You actually have more choices upstairs though) or at the exact table they want and act like whiney little babies about it? No. Just no. I understand that maybe you prefer to eat by the window so you can look out it and watch people going by the street or that you like a particular table. What I can't understand is why you need to get shitty with me and pitch a fit or refuse to sit somewhere else if I tell you we have reservations or that we don't want to sit a single person at the last available 4-top. If you can't get that table, oh well big deal. The food is still the same no matter where you sit. And service probably won't change a whole lot either. So just be a mature adult and not flip out over a minor thing, please.
- Name dropping. Look, I don't care if your kids went to school with the owner's kids, you were on track team with some dude who cooked here a few months ago, or you're related to that crazy waitress that got fired last month. It isn't going to get you any kind of special treatment. It won't get you free drinks, a discount, or me to break the rules of the coupon books. Now, if you want me to tell that person you're here and want to say hi, well ok then I will help you out gladly.
- Acting like being a regular should get you something special. My last host shift I asked this man if he had reservations. His response? "I'm a regular here, I don't need them." My mental response to that? A) Bitch, please. I've been waiting on you for three years – and watching the hissy fits you and your wife can throw may I add? – so I think I know how often you come in. B) I don't care if you do come in once a month or so, if I don't have any open tables you better believe your ass is waiting so that I can seat the people who have reservations at the time they want to eat. I don't give a damn if you are a regular, on a night as busy as this if you don't have reservations you might screwed. C) If you're such a regular then you should know that weekend nights get pretty busy sometimes, and that with our special event going on tonight (oh wait, you're not enough of a regular to know anything about that now are you?) we have much less seating than normal and so yeah you kinda do need reservations tonight. Don't get me wrong. I love waiting on 90% of my regulars. For most of them, it's because I've gotten to know them over the years and we're on friendly terms. I like talking to them, and ok yes they tip me well. For the others, it's because I know they're rude, fussy, and poor tippers so I can put in the least amount of effort to keep them as happy as they'll be. And yes, it can get you some special treatment (like we'll take care of you before that other table that walked in at the same time, or we'll spend more time with you because we like you and know you tip), but you can't expect miracles just because you grace us with your presence from time to time. You're not really entitled to anything (like free shit or a table when we have none) just because you occasionally spend money here.
- People who make their own lemonade. Seriously? To be honest, people who drink water don't bug me. Sometimes you're just really thirsty, and nothing takes care of that like water. And some people believe that anything else interferes with the flavor of your food. Now if an entire group of like 10 people is drinking all water yeah ok then I get a little ticked. But I don't mind people who drink water. But you assholes who ask for lemon (and then ask for extra lemon) and add sugar? Yeah, that's not cool. Don't do it.
- People who order a to go but then eat it when they get there. You think, "hey, the extra tip must be nice so that can't be bad." Oh yes it can. Last week I had this table of ladies who told not only myself but the chef they wanted a to go order. Then they come in and sit down (because the one bitchy waitress we have wasn't there I think). Well, their food was already boxed and wrapped up. So we had to put it on plates and carry everything out at once (my boss would have been having a fit at soups and entrees going out at the same time haha). Way to make us waste all those containers, you dumb bitches. That wasted money and the environment are so grateful to your inconsiderate bitchiness. To be honest, I guess I might not have minded it so much except this group of ladies are just so freaking annoying and a pain in the ass (You know that stereotype of women going out to eat? All the salads and the lighter options and waters with lemons? Yep, them) and they tip horribly.

Things Not To Do At a Restaurant

Because I'm in a cranky mood (I'm sick, which means a lot of missed work this weekend, which means no money), here's a list of the worst behavior from customers I've seen. The most annoying things I have to deal with.


- Letting the kids run around. It's so unsafe; you just can't let them do that.
- Letting the kids scream and cry for long periods of time. (key word long periods of time, I guess a little screaming and crying is unavoidable)
- Trying to pull me into an argument/disagreement. Just don't do that. Honestly. I don't know you, I don't know the situation. Don't draw me in and force me to pick sides. It will inevitably end with somebody getting mad at me (which jeopardizes my tip).
- Whistling for a server. We're not your dog, asshole. We're people. Screw you, you nasty pig. What right do you have to treat us that way? A simple "excuse me" or giving the server a look or a wave will suffice; there's just no need for whistling.
- Expecting me to read your mind. If you want something, speak up. Since I'm an experienced and fairly good server, I can to some extent predict your needs (if your glass is half empty, you probably want a refill. If you ordered fries, you probably want ketchup). Be specific with your order. If you don't want an ingredient in there, speak up. If you want fries, tell me. Otherwise, I won't know.
- Leaving a gigantic, awful mess for me to clean up. Look, I don't expect the table to be clean enough to eat off once you leave. And I get that cleaning that table up is part of my job, so I don't mind. But please, if your kid dumped half their food onto the floor, pick it up (or make them do it if they're big enough to learn how to clean up after themselves). If you knock your drink over, don't idly stand by as your server wipes that mess all up, pitch in a little if you can. It will be much appreciated.
- Sugar on the table. There's not that much sugar in the packet, why can't you just dump it all in? Why must you dump all that sugar on the table? Or leave an open packet to be spilled all over? Do you know how hard it is to clean up all those granules of sugar? It's so annoying! Please either use the entire packet or put the open packet on a plate or something so that it spills there, not on the table I then have to clean. (Perhaps I should say that I am OCD, and thus it's really hard for me to clean something like that up. It's so hard to get them all! And I have to. Maybe this doesn't bug other servers as much?)
- Large to go orders that don't tip. I've had $120 to go orders that didn't leave any tip at all. Ok, but that's $10 that I am being taxed that you screwed me out of. If you're getting a large to go (let's say like anything over $30?) you should leave some tip. It does take some work boxing it all, wrapping it, putting it in bags, getting dressings, utensils, napkins, etc. and just making sure you have everything you need.
- Constant refills. Look, I'm not saying don't get your money's worth (drinks are so outrageously priced, you should have a few). All I'm saying is that if I've had to refill your drink 2 or 3 times before I've even taken your order, we have some problems here. Haha. At least give me like 4 minutes or so in between refills please? I do have other stuff to do besides refill your drink every minute.
- Red Hats. I'm so sorry, ladies (if any of you even go on the internet). But man. Some groups of you are lovely and kind, but some are just awful. You work your server to the bone, are kind of rude about it, and then don't tip. As a server, you know you're in for a rough day when you see them on the reservation sheet. I once had to make a separate trip upstairs for drinks for an entire table (as in one trip for each lady) because they would not tell me they wanted anything despite my repeated asking of "anybody else want something to drink besides water?"
- Haggling. Sorry, but no. That dish will not be any cheaper if you get it without the onions (because there will be a few extra of the other ingredients thrown in). And no, I can't get you any kind of special price.
- Not knowing coupon rules. The place I work at is in the entertainment and enjoy books. If you're not familiar with them, they're just coupon books; however, there are rules attached. You can't use them with a party of more than 10, you can't use more than 3 per table, sometimes there are specifications about what days or times they can be used on, etc. etc. Now, I know these rules inside and out. Why? Because it's my job, and I deal with these coupons on a nightly basis. I need to, because if I don't my bosses understandably get mad. These rules are in the books, so if you read them you can see. Don't yell at me and get huffy and say "well it doesn't say that", because yes it does and I will show you in black and white that it does. Please believe me, I know what I'm talking about. And I want to keep you happy (after all, my tip does depend on it). If I could help you, I would. But if I break or bend the rules, we could get kicked out. And that would hurt our business. Also, I can't use a coupon that expired. So please, people, if you want to use a coupon, ask your server about it. Tell them from the beginning you have it and ask about conditions (if you don't want to read them for yourself). Best way to make sure you can use them.
- Asking me to step outside my job description or asking really outrageous favors. When I'm hosting, please don't expect me to find you a table. We have reservations, they get the table first. Walkins have to wait. When I'm bartending, I can't pour extra in your drink (unless I charge you for a double or something). And while I am more than happy to do a favor for you or help you out if I can, sorry but I cannot blatantly lie or break the rules my bosses have set. I don't care if you're a regular or if you know somebody who used to work here or whatever. I still can't. No harm in asking I suppose, but please accept my answer when I say no. You've no right to get pissy and mean or yell at me or screw me out of a tip because of it.

Eating Out With Kids

So I suck. I've been neglecting this blog. Stupid school getting in the way, stupid finals. Going away for a few days was not stupid though. Haha.



Anyway, I saw this article on Yahoo about commandments for eating out with kids.
And here is my take.

But first please allow me to say that I disagree with the article that nobody wants to ban kids in restaurants; I know quite a few servers who wouldn't mind it. Lol. I'm kidding (mostly). It's not that we mind the little kids in themselves so much (they are often pretty cute after all), it's when they are not kept under control and do not behave appropriately that we start to dislike them. I shudder at some kids I see at work. My parents never would have let me behave in such ways! (I swear I'm not an old fuddy duddy, I'm only 25. haha) I work at a fine dining place (the atmosphere is kinda more casual though), and honestly I think kids should be in double digits before they are allowed in for most cases. It's not that kids can't behave in good ways, because they can. It's more that parents let the kids run amok (literally and figuratively) and don't try to stop inappropriate, annoying behavior.



THOU SHALT NOT BLOCK TRAFFIC WITH BULKY STROLLERS
I have not had any trouble with this one. I will, however, extend this commandment to walkers. Sorry, little old lady, but your walker cannot take up the aisle. I know you need it, and I promise you I will be more than happy to bring it back to you when you are finished and ready to leave, but when you leave something blocking part of the aisle it is truly a safety hazard (in addition to making my job way harder).

THOU SHALT NOT ORDER A 10-COURSE TASTING MENU WITH KIDS UNDER 10
This would never have occurred to me. But I guess a reminder that you're not out for a fun, adult, romantic meal out but you are out with your children and to keep their short attention spans in mind can't hurt.

THOU SHALT NOT TREAT YOUR SERVER LIKE A SITTER
Really? Would anybody do this? I'd hate to have this happen to me. What an incredibly awkward position to put your sever in! S/he has way more than enough to do without adding having to keep an eye on your children to that list. Not to mention if something happens and you hold them responsible for your own stupidity/lack of parenting? Oh god no. Please just don't ever do something like that.

THOU SHALT NOT BREAST FEED AT THE TABLE
Ohmygod, agreed! This actually happened to me (thankfully, it was dead and there was only that one table ... by the way this crazy bitch actually changed her baby right there on a changing pad on the floor GROSS!!! I mean really, you crazy bitch, people eat close by!), and it was not cool. I come over to see if they need a refill or something and it's like "oh hello, there's your boob. With your kid attached." Not that there's anything wrong with breastfeeding at all, but um just do it in private ok? Nobody wants or needs to see it.

THOU SHALL FEEL FREE TO ORDER "KID FOOD" OFF THE MENU
My restaurant has a kids menu, so I don't know. But yes do feel free to ask for something off the menu if your child won't eat anything on the menu. (Most chefs will happily do it, provided they have the ingredients.)

THOU SHALL NOT TURN DINNER INTO A PHOTOSHOOT
Taking a pic? Fine. (I often get asked to do that for some reason.) Doing a photoshoot? Do it before you leave your home, before there's the possibility of the kids spilling something on those cute clothes.

THOU SHALT NOT BRING NOISY TOYS
Be respectful of other customers. Be respectful of the employees. Nobody wants to hear your obnoxious beeping and noises from the kid's gameboy (or whatever the equivalent of that would be today). Put it on silent. You are out in public, and there are other people. You should not try to give them headaches from annoying noise.

THOU SHALL TRY TO QUELL HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING
No, thou SHALL quell it, not try. In what world is it ok for a child to scream their head off that way? If you must, take them outside or to your car until they calm down. I cannot tell you how obnoxious it is to listen to ear piercing yelling for an hour or two on end. As my coworker puts it "I go to work to get away from that, make it stop!" Our jobs are hard enough without your brat trying to make our ears bleed.

THOU SHALT NOT ALLOW FREE-RANGE KIDS
YES YES YES YES! I cannot stress this enough. You cannot let your child run free at a restaurant. You cannot do it. It is completely unsafe. Please let me say this one more time, it is extremely unsafe. Servers are coming through with heavy trays (trays that weigh more than your small child – these trays can weigh up to like 40 pounds!), which may contain piping hot food (or steaming hot soup) and heavy dishes. Imagine if your kid runs in my way, and I stumble. A plate flies off the tray, dumping food all over your kid. Your kid can get burns from soup. A glass could fall, and break!, on your child. Your child can get a serious injury from a broken glass or plate. I can fall, drop the tray on myself. Or they're running and fall on a bit of liquid that spilled on the floor, they run into a tray jack or a table. Just because you don't see any servers in that area does not mean there will not be any. We may have to go to any area of the dining room. Other customers may need through there too. There is so much potential for injury here, very serious potential for a bad injury. For the sake of the servers and especially for the sake of your child, do not let them run around. Keep them in their seats. We often host parties, including rehearsal dinners and even wedding receptions, and we often have small children with these parties. I am continually amazed that parents would think this is ok.
Further more if you allow this to happen, you put me in a bad position. I have to be the bad guy, I have to say "sweetie, you cannot run around. It's not safe. Can you please go sit down?" (I've definitely had parents get PISSED at me for attempting to correct their children for bad or inappropriate behaviors, but what can I do? I cannot risk it, I have to nicely tell your kid to stay out of the way)

Seriously just do not let your children run around a restaurant. Please don't. I cannot tell you how unsafe it is.

THOU SHALL CALMLY DISCOURAGE FOOD FIGHTS
Again, no you WILL stop them. Or better yet, how about not allowing them to happen in the first place? Again I have to ask in what world is this ok or acceptable in any way? Just because you don't have to clean up the fucking mess, doesn't mean it's ok to let it happen. This is the second biggest pet peeve of waiting on tables with children (first of course being ear splitting shrieking that goes on and on and on and doesn't stop). It sucks enough cleaning up a table as it is, but when your brat has thrown half their meal onto the floor? I get pissed, really pissed. You are out in public, not the comfort of your own home. Have respect and consideration for the poor person who has to clean up that disgusting mess. (Have you ever tried to clean up cut up spaghetti from a carpeted floor? Well I have, many times, and let me tell you it is not easy and it can take a long time. It pisses me off. Also, food on the floor tends to get stepped on. Do you know how difficult it is to get all those tiny little crumbs? Or how annoying it is to clean when they get ground into the carpet?)
If your child is too little to not make a huge mess, maybe they're too young to go out to eat. Or how about having a little consideration and confining that mess to the table.

And to you parents who pick up the cheerios your kid throws on the floor, thank you so very much! From all servers everywhere, we appreciate that little kindness in making our job easier.




I'd love to hear your opinions, people.

Guidelines for Tipping

Here is my list of guidelines for tipping.


1. If you don't have money for the tip, you don't have money to eat out.
This is actually a rule, not just a guideline. If you can't leave a tip, hit the drive through, pick up a pizza, or *gasp* cook something at home. The tip is absolutely NOT optional. I cannot stress this enough. Please let me explain how being a server works. You make $2-something an hour (I believe most bartenders make somewhere in this range too. At any rate, it is significantly less than minimum wage). The tips are not a bonus for doing a good job or being cute; the tips are (the vast majority of) your wage. Further more, we must claim a certain percentage of our sales as tips. This means if you stiff us, we're paying money we did not make. I won't lie, most of the time we make more than minimum wage (well at least where I work), but if we don't (say it was a slow week and our sales were very low), our employer is supposed to make up the difference. Do they? In my experience, no they don't. Our paychecks are shitty. We make very, very little. This is because tips are counted on for our wages. Therefore, you need to tip us. This is not negotiable.

2. Tipping should be, at the very least, 15% if service was not bad.
If your server was rude or you saw that he or she gave better service to other tables or didn't come to check on you ... well I wouldn't tip well either (and believe me, for someone whose living depends on tips to not tip well takes a lot). If the service was good, 20% is more acceptable. It's very upsetting to be told things like "thank you so much! Everything was wonderful!" or "you're a very good waitress" and then opening up the book to see that they left me $5 on a $50 check. 15% is kind of the minimum baseline here. When a table compliments me and says how wonderful I am, I kind of expect to get more because good service should be rewarded with a higher tip. If your server was nice and got you what you asked for, then don't leave a bad tip. If they were very nice and knowledgeable or did something to make your meal special, leave them extra. It's only nice.

3. Don't take other people's mistakes out on the tip.
If your table has to wait a long time for their meal, odds are it has NOTHING to do with your server. Look around you, is the place busy? Is there a large party? Did you order something well done? All of these will result in a longer wait time. There is nothing your server can do. Checks are cooked on a first come, first serve basis. So if there are 7 tables that came in 15 minutes before you, you will have to wait. What do you expect your server to do? There's nothing he or she can do in this case. If one of these is a big party, sorry but that takes even longer. Some things take longer to cook than others, so if that table who came in 10 minutes after you is eating before you, blame your well done steak not your server. Your server cannot get you your meal any faster than the kitchen prepares it. Please do not stiff him or her because of it. Also, sometimes the bartender is busy and gets backed up or maybe she or he is just slow. In that case your wait to get your drinks isn't your server's fault. Also not your server's fault? The fact that you had to wait for your table. Don't be in a bad mood and take it out on the tip, because really what could your server have done to get you seated faster? Nothing. If the kitchen prepares your food wrong, this is again their fault and not your server's. If the kitchen overcooks your steak, that's on them not your server. You shouldn't tip poorly because of that.
All I'm saying is the tip should be solely related to the service your server gave you. If something was lacking that they had no control over or maybe was not necessarily their fault, please don't tip poorly because of that.
Oh and if you don't read your menu and see the price, or see that something costs extra, that is on you, my friend. You don't get to screw your server over because you're mad. If it matters to you, be sure to check ahead of time before you order. Ditto to if you don't like your meal. It's not your server's fault that it isn't your taste. So why on earth should you stiff him or her for that? You shouldn't.

4. Mistakes do happen. Please try to be understanding.
Look, I'm not saying if your server screws up big time that you still need to tip 20%. I'm just saying we're human, we do sometimes mess up. Please be nice about it. If your server was any good, odds are they apologized (probably profusely) and took steps to correct it immediately. If it's a little thing, like your server forgets to bring you that refill, is that really a big deal? No. Leave a little less if you must (but really it's a stupid little thing to make a big deal out of), but it's nothing to flip out about and screw them over. Now if they forget to put your order in and you end up waiting a long time, yes you're going to be mad. And I'm not saying you still need to tip well or not be mad, just be nice. You really have no right to yell at, berate, belittle, or just plain be a bitch to your server. Go ahead and voice your displeasure, but do it in a polite, respectful way. (Really, this is true of any situation. It will get you farther if you stay calm and rational.)
Stop and think. Put yourself in their shoes. If you made a little mistake at work, would you want somebody screaming? No. So why not extend that same courtesy you'd want to your server? I mean, unless you're perfect and have never once screwed anything up … in which case please do tell the server off.

5. We don't get to keep all of our tips.
You might think you're only hurting your server by leaving them a lousy tip, but you're wrong. Your server may need to tip out the bartenders, bussers, hosts, food runners, helpers, dishwashers (I'm not sure how common this one is. At the marina they hired real young kids and paid them jack shit. To make up for this, they made us tip them out. I was also sometimes expected to tip the cook), and I've heard stories of managers taking a cut even. Some places even have a pool, where all the tips are put in together and divided up between everybody. My point is, your server is walking out of there with less money, sometimes a lot less, than the total they were tipped. If you stiff the server, they still need to tip everybody out and you're really hurting them.

6. You have the gold Am-Ex. We know you have money, learn how to use it.
It's not that I mind being a little tight with your money. I understand that most people get to accumulate wealth by not spending a ton. However, if you have the money to drop $100 on dinner, you can afford to leave an appropriate amount for a tip. $10 is not enough. And really, would leaving the extra $5 or $10 kill you? Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if you didn't order me around or throw that money out there in a kind of bragging way.

7. Just because you are paying for the meal and leaving a tip doesn't mean you own us.
It's not that any server has a problem with you asking for something (hello, it's part of the job!) or taking care of you. If they do, they're in the wrong line of work. However, we are not your servants. Or your dogs. (Oh yes, I've seen customers whistle at people trying to get something. And you wonder why we ignore you, asshole.) A please or thank you will not kill you. Neither will being polite or respectful about it. Please don't expect us to drop everything (your server likely has a list of about 5 or more things, at least, that need to be done ASAP ... I'll make an entry about how much we need to do later) to go get you that extra napkin. We'll get it, but don't just please don't expect it in ten seconds, after all we can't just pull it out our ass. All I'm asking is that you be nice about asking and patient. Oh and if you need more than one thing, please ask for them all at once. It's so annoying to take something to my table only for that person to ask for something else. I take that over and oh wait someone else needs something now. Just please if you'll need something ask for it and let your server make as few trips as possible by bringing multiple things at once. (No lie, I once had to make a special trip upstairs -- I was working in our dining room downstairs this particular night -- for every lady at my table to get a drink. I asked if I could get them anything to drink, one lady wanted something. "Anybody else?" I asked several times. I go get that drink and come back, now another lady wanted one. This went on about 7 times. Needless to say, I was pissed. Just please try not to do that to your server.)
If you have two tables and one says "when you can, will you bring me some more water" or "Can I get more water please?" and the other "I need ketchup" and gives you a dirty look when you don't instantly run off to get it who are you going to take care of first? Yeah, that's right the one who is nice. Yes it is my job to serve you, but I am not your servant and it is not my job to cater to your every whim. All I ask is that you treat me with basic respect and courtesy when you ask for something. Just because you are tipping me doesn't mean I have to put up with whatever you want to throw at me.

8. (This is a biggie! Please take note.) The tip is based on the amount before any discount or coupon.
You have a coupon for buy one dinner get one free? Great for you. Not so much for me. I cringe when I see coupons, because people don't know this. You don't tip on the amount after the discount, you tip on the original, total amount before any coupon or discount is taken off. This means when you leave $3 on a $20 check it's really like you left $3 on a check of $36 or so.
Also, let's apply this to gift cards as well. If you use one for part of your meal, you still tip on the full amount not the amount of cash you hand me.

9. Tipping and togo orders
This is a bit tricky, because every place is different. Where I work, those togos are counted in my sales. This means I am paying tax on them. If you get a $60 and don't tip (which most people don't), you are totally screwing me. Hell, I've had $100 togos in my sales that didn't tip. You don't need to tip as much as when you dine in obviously, but would it kill you to leave a few bucks to not make me pay for the tax on it out of my own pocket? After all, I did box it up for you, wrap up anything spillable, throw in napkins, silverware, and condiments, and put it in a bag for you. Sometimes, I even help you take it to your car. And you can't leave me a few dollars?
Of course, this is not the case at all restaurants and bars. Some have a separate thing all together for togos so that nobody is claiming them as part of their sales and paying taxes on them. In this case, I suppose it's not entirely necessary to tip (though whoever got it all ready for you would no doubt greatly appreciate it). When it doubt, ask.

10. Good tipping begets good service. Poor tipping means getting ignored.
If I know that no matter what I do, no matter how much I bust my ass to get you whatever you want, that I'm only getting $5 out of it, well guess what, you're moving to the bottom of my priority list. Sorry, but why would any server jeopardize a potentially good tip to take good care of you when you tip horribly? I'm just saying if you only ever leave 12%, you really should know your server won't take the best care of you. They're going to spend more time with their other tables to get more money since they know you won't leave much.



Feel free to add more or agree or disagree in the comments.

Introduction

So a little about me. You can call me M. I'm 25 years old, and for the last ten years I've been a waitress. Started working at a bingo hall for a long time (not much choice for a 15 year old, most places won't hire so young. Besides it was only a few nights a week so it didn't interfere with school or my other job or anything). I worked at a marina too. And now I'm at a much nicer place where I make a hell of a lot more money than I did at my other jobs. I bartend and host as well, and I've recently started doing what I'll call being a sort of assistant manager for lack of a better term (basically, I train the new employees, take reservations, answer the phone, help the girls who are on the floor by running food or getting drinks or whatever.) In my spare time (yeah right) I'm working on my master's (trust me, you don't want to be in this industry for life).
For the most part I enjoy it -- I make good money (I make at least $10 an hour in tips, sometimes up to double that if we're busy), most of my customers are nice and I like talking and joking with them, and I'm mostly good friends with everybody who works there -- but sometimes people are just too stupid to handle. That is where this blog comes in. I'll rant when customers piss me off, share their stupidity for your amusement, and, I hope, teach you the proper ways to behave when you're at a restaurant or bar and let you in on what your server is actually thinking.