Thing That Tick Me Off To An Irrational Degree

Continuing in the vein of my last post, I guess I shall go on.
Sometimes there are small behaviors that my customers do that piss me off to an unreasonable degree. These are just me though. Not every server will be as pissed off about it as me.


- Stealing my pens. This is actually up there on my list of shit that pisses me off, only slightly behind bad tips and rudeness. I don't care if I purposely buy those packs of 10 pens for $1 because they get stolen so frequently, it's the principal of the thing. It belongs to me, not you. You have no freaking right to take it, so don't. End of discussion. Just leave my damn pen on the table with the check you signed.
- Ignoring the "PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED" sign. Hey dumbass, it's there for a reason.
- Idiots who sit at a dirty table. What, do you not see by the crumbs from the last person who sat there that we haven't wiped this table yet? Where I work, we have the tables set. So if the table isn't set, obviously it's not ready. Again, there's a reason we have that sign saying wait to be seated.
- People who are extremely picky about their table. A table is a table. I'll give you a pass if you don't want to sit too close to a door and get the cold air coming in (if it's winter). I don't care if you prefer a table or a booth and will gladly get you seated at your first choice if I can. But assholes who change tables 3 or 4 times (no that's not an exaggeration), or who pitch a fit if they can't sit downstairs (it's the same menu! You actually have more choices upstairs though) or at the exact table they want and act like whiney little babies about it? No. Just no. I understand that maybe you prefer to eat by the window so you can look out it and watch people going by the street or that you like a particular table. What I can't understand is why you need to get shitty with me and pitch a fit or refuse to sit somewhere else if I tell you we have reservations or that we don't want to sit a single person at the last available 4-top. If you can't get that table, oh well big deal. The food is still the same no matter where you sit. And service probably won't change a whole lot either. So just be a mature adult and not flip out over a minor thing, please.
- Name dropping. Look, I don't care if your kids went to school with the owner's kids, you were on track team with some dude who cooked here a few months ago, or you're related to that crazy waitress that got fired last month. It isn't going to get you any kind of special treatment. It won't get you free drinks, a discount, or me to break the rules of the coupon books. Now, if you want me to tell that person you're here and want to say hi, well ok then I will help you out gladly.
- Acting like being a regular should get you something special. My last host shift I asked this man if he had reservations. His response? "I'm a regular here, I don't need them." My mental response to that? A) Bitch, please. I've been waiting on you for three years – and watching the hissy fits you and your wife can throw may I add? – so I think I know how often you come in. B) I don't care if you do come in once a month or so, if I don't have any open tables you better believe your ass is waiting so that I can seat the people who have reservations at the time they want to eat. I don't give a damn if you are a regular, on a night as busy as this if you don't have reservations you might screwed. C) If you're such a regular then you should know that weekend nights get pretty busy sometimes, and that with our special event going on tonight (oh wait, you're not enough of a regular to know anything about that now are you?) we have much less seating than normal and so yeah you kinda do need reservations tonight. Don't get me wrong. I love waiting on 90% of my regulars. For most of them, it's because I've gotten to know them over the years and we're on friendly terms. I like talking to them, and ok yes they tip me well. For the others, it's because I know they're rude, fussy, and poor tippers so I can put in the least amount of effort to keep them as happy as they'll be. And yes, it can get you some special treatment (like we'll take care of you before that other table that walked in at the same time, or we'll spend more time with you because we like you and know you tip), but you can't expect miracles just because you grace us with your presence from time to time. You're not really entitled to anything (like free shit or a table when we have none) just because you occasionally spend money here.
- People who make their own lemonade. Seriously? To be honest, people who drink water don't bug me. Sometimes you're just really thirsty, and nothing takes care of that like water. And some people believe that anything else interferes with the flavor of your food. Now if an entire group of like 10 people is drinking all water yeah ok then I get a little ticked. But I don't mind people who drink water. But you assholes who ask for lemon (and then ask for extra lemon) and add sugar? Yeah, that's not cool. Don't do it.
- People who order a to go but then eat it when they get there. You think, "hey, the extra tip must be nice so that can't be bad." Oh yes it can. Last week I had this table of ladies who told not only myself but the chef they wanted a to go order. Then they come in and sit down (because the one bitchy waitress we have wasn't there I think). Well, their food was already boxed and wrapped up. So we had to put it on plates and carry everything out at once (my boss would have been having a fit at soups and entrees going out at the same time haha). Way to make us waste all those containers, you dumb bitches. That wasted money and the environment are so grateful to your inconsiderate bitchiness. To be honest, I guess I might not have minded it so much except this group of ladies are just so freaking annoying and a pain in the ass (You know that stereotype of women going out to eat? All the salads and the lighter options and waters with lemons? Yep, them) and they tip horribly.