Bartending Secrets

After reading this article , here is my take. It's super annoying that you need to go to a new page for each one, so I'll just copy and paste here and then put my thoughts.


1. Yell, whistle, or wave money and I'm going to make you wait. Make eye contact and smile, and I'll come over as soon as I can. Know what you want and have your money ready. Don't create a traffic jam.
Agreed. If you can't be bothered to address me or get my attention in a polite manner, or at least one that isn't completely lacking in any respect or basic human dignity, I sure won't be bothered to get to your table any time soon. Yelling is just downright rude and disrespectful. I've mentioned whistling several times, and I imagine I will continue to do so because it pisses me off so much (your server/bartender is not a dog, goddamnit). I've never seen someone wave money but I imagine my eyes would get very strained from trying not to roll them a lot. How much of a douche and asshole can you be? And also agreed about knowing what you want. Nothing is more annoying than people who don't know what they want but won't ask for a few minutes. Look, unless it's time to close, nobody cares if you need more time. I fucking hate standing at my table for a few minutes while some asshole tries to decide. I have other stuff to do, just let me go while you try to choose. I also hate standing by the table waiting. It makes me feel like an asshole, like I'm up your ass or pressuring you or hovering … and nobody wants that. Seriously. Just say "can I have another minute please?"

2. Start a tab. If I swipe your card five times this evening, that’s five times as much paperwork I have to do at 4 a.m.
Agreed. Ok so there's really not any paperwork for me personally to do, but having to swipe a card so many times just is annoying. And why on earth would you want so many separate charges for the same place, the same night on your bill? Do all of us a favor, especially yourself, and put it all on one tab.

3. You want a drink made "strong?" Then order a double—for double the price.
There is nothing more to say about this. Your bartender can't give you something and not charge for it. You really shouldn't ask. If you need it that bad, order the double or just drink more. Although doubles aren't double the price.
(In the interest of full disclosure, there is one fine southern gentleman who's a very frequently regular. He's nice to us (he's kind of a friend actually), and he tips us fabulously (he once gave me a $5 tip on a $6 breakfast. He didn't have money to give me the tip that day, but like a week later when I saw him again he made up for it). For him, we make an exception provided the boss isn't around. So perhaps if you're a great tipper, always tip well, and get to be kinda friends with your bartender you just might be able to get it. Just be sure to ask nicely and in a way to make sure the bartender knows you're not pressuring her and that you won't be mad if s/he can't.)

4. Liquor sales in bars and restaurants were down 2.2 percent last year. Even beer sales are slow. But people scrimp on food first, drinks second.
Thankfully, we've been able to keep our sales up in this recession. Sure this summer is terrible so far, completely dead and awful and no money to be made. But I suppose when the food is incredible, the portions big (big enough for two meals even), the prices good for how much you get, and the service generally very good, people will make it a point to visit you when they go out. Hell, since I started working there, the county I work in started a 10% drink tax. I can't say that I noticed any decline in sales. People want to drink, so they will anyway I guess.

5. A lot of bars have comp tabs, which allows me to give away drinks. It's smart business and helps build a base of regulars.
If this is the case, why the hell is the only perk I've gotten from bars a cd courtesy of the dj? Please. I spent more than my share of time at a local watering hole, and never did I see someone get a free drink. I demand to see proof of this! *g*

6. Bars that don't have regulars (in hotels, airports) have started using wireless gadgets that measure how much is poured and automatically ring up each shot. They're meant to prevent overpouring and to cut losses, but I don't like them—neither do customers.
Is that like some kind of machine to automatically pour for you? I can get behind that then, less work for me. Hehe.

7. If your tipping guideline is still "a buck a drink," listen closely: That doesn't fly if you order a $12 cocktail. Tip at least 15 percent.
A buck a drink only works if you're drinking beer. Beer that is $6 or less a pop.

8. At some bars, the sliced fruit garnishes sit out until they’re gone, sometimes for days. Munch accordingly.
I hate to say, this is probably true. Any decent, conscientious bartender will pitch them when they've gone bad, so you're not going to get something old and rotting or moldy … but I wouldn't count on it being freshly cut.

9. The smoothest guys compliment a woman, then walk away—it's very nonthreatening.
I have to say, that does sound infinitely better than the creeps who always try to talk to me. But I have no experience being smooth nor a guy, so what do I know?

10. I have the police on speed dial, and I never hesitate to call.
Any sane bartender would agree with this. People get stupid, and often violent, when they're wasted. And no establishment is going to risk any potential lawsuits or damages.

11. Don't order a round of drinks after last call. Last call applies to everyone—even you.
The whole point of last call? For you to get your last drink so we can start doing our clean up and get the hell home. I don't give a shit who you are (or who you think you are), nor how much you want another. Once last call is done, it's done. Just don't even do it.

12. Some of us get a cut from the cab company when we call a taxi for a tipsy patron. Not that I've ever done that, of course.
This is not my experience. We close early, we aren't really a bar so there's nobody sitting there for hours getting drunk, and I'm not even sure there are any cab companies anywhere near me.

13. Last week, a couple had a little too much and got into a dumb argument, then asked me to choose the "winner" of the fight. There isn't a tip big enough to get me involved in that situation!
A million times yes. First of all, you shouldn't be arguing in a bar, in public, anyway. Save the personal shit like for a more appropriate time when you're alone together. Second of all, like I said before I don't know you or your situation, so why do you care what I think? Just don't do ask for an opinion.